pain

Beyond Grateful

My heart feels like it could burst through my skin. I can feel the tingling sensations and energy of joy reverberating within. I am vitally alive and flourishing!! I’m not quite sure what it would look like if I attempted to reveal that, but my soul longs for this deep expression. The image that comes to mind is the scene in Beauty and the Beast where they dance with a magical confetti swirling around and the music sweeps them off their feet.

Looking back through the years and the deep layers within me, I felt so invisible, unknown, unwanted (unless I could serve and give to others), no sense of self, no self-care.

I poured out wholeheartedly. I loved deep. For all appearance’s sake, I was high functioning. No one knew how much I was suffering and alone. No one knew I was drowning or dying.

Today, though, I am celebrating a half century!!!!! I’m celebrating that for all the hard roads and hard work of healing, I am a witness to a miracle.

Embracing Our Humanity

Beautiful souls. Weary, broken, longing.

High hopes for what we wish for. Adjusting expectations. Sad disappointment.

Passionate division. Lack of hearing or understanding. Fear of other. Judgment.

Scared of pain. Facing where we’ve felt unresolved. Avoiding struggle.

Limits. Boundaries. Pacing. Pausing. Balanced protection.

Seeing new perspectives. Finding hope. Bright light, laughter, joy.

Connection. Relationships. Being found, seen, known, embraced.

Triggered. Flooded. Disconnection. Injury.

Grounding, finding footing, taking steps. Movement. Forward.

A Returning Wave

Trigger warning: Suicide Awareness

I have focused these few posts on suicide awareness, knowing that many of you may have no idea what it is like to have such depths or intensity of pain. Others may relate to seasons (whether it comes in hours, days, months, or moments) of feeling beyond what you are able to endure, and overwhelmed….again.

These are the frameworks I’m attempting to put words to. If we can articulate it, we can begin to make sense of it, particularly with the presence of an empathic witness. In that, we are no longer alone — we are felt, known, understood and brought near.

There is a sense in which you can feel untethered, or beyond reach or too far gone. And sometimes it is really hard to hold on. It can come up like a returning wave, or like a familiar feeling entering the room for a visit. Understandably so, we don’t like these visitors. It can feel heavy beyond our ability to lift. But what if it was just a part of us that we could begin to see, to recognize, or to give voice to?

How to Heal: A reflection on pain and frustration

We are biologically wired to connect and integrate. And when things come up that hurt us or scare us, we get this urge to fight, run away, or avoid it.

What do you notice happening in your body when something feels painful or frustrating? What is your gut response?

We don’t heal by stuffing, avoiding, denying or minimizing pain. We don’t heal by spiritually bypassing. We don’t heal by self-medicating or by trading one addiction for another.

We heal by having the courage to face hard things with strong support. We can work through what has been unresolved or passed down, and find safe people who can hold space that allows us to heal and grow. That act of courage changes the pattern for generations.