growth

The Check In

Pause. Notice. Slow down…for just a moment. Breathe.

My husband and I just led a couples retreat at Mohican State Park. The setting was beautiful, surrounded by trees, nature, and the lake. The lodge had a variety of spaces for sitting, rocking, or being by the fire (both inside and outside). Our goal for the time was connection, to themselves and to each other.

The question was asked there, and then later in one of my sessions, “What’s a check in?” I don’t think it had ever dawned on me to define it. The question itself gives me a chance to clarify the meaning it has for me as I consider it.

A check in is becoming more aware, making the unconscious conscious. It is taking an intentional moment to pause and notice what is happening — inside my own body (my thoughts, feelings, body sensations), and potentially between me and another person in our relationship.

A concrete visual is looking at the battery life on your computer or phone, or the fuel or oil gauge on your car. Checking in on those measurements give us important information to run things smoothly.

We can live much of our life in auto pilot, going through the motions, but missing so much. To notice is the language of the brainstem — to wake us up, to be more embodied, that allows us to respond with more attentiveness, appreciation, and care.

Mental Health Awareness -- what is that anyway?

We are wired for healing. Our bodies and our brains know how to heal, and move towards this phenomenon without our even realizing it sometimes. Think about a physical wound. You don’t have to tell your cells to begin to make new cells, to seal over the wound to protect inner layers from infection, to heal and recover. Your body just does it.

Sometimes, though, there are barriers to our healing. We keep getting injured. We don’t take time to slow down to heal. We push ourselves (or our relationships) too hard, too fast, too much. Or maybe we abandon ourselves and others, in both significant and subtle ways. And the healing gets hijacked.

What are we healing from? What is mental health awareness anyway?

Coming Back to Home Base

Sometimes the path to connection, of coming back to yourself, is first noticing when you have needed space to breathe. We rush; we lose time; we put too much on our plate. We lose track of ourselves. Our self-care practices and rhythms get hard to maintain. And for whatever reason, it becomes clear, we know we have to step back.

Perhaps this change in season is a time for coming home.

We extend ourselves, we work hard, we give much. And then comes the need for coming back. For the long exhale, a slow and steady rhythm, a state of rest and recovery.

I hate disconnection…especially with myself. I am a nurturer. Relationships matter immensely to me. It is horribly painful when relationships are distant, broken, or unhealthy. I’ve learned, though, that the one relationship I will always have is with myself. If I’m not taking care of that, from what do I have to give?

Attachment language uses the concept of a secure home base. Knowing that you can always come home, to safety, to connection, to attunement. From that foundation, you learn that you can launch. It is the way we can become our best selves, to keep coming back.

Love is Not Enough

What is love? And how do you know when you feel loved? How injured do we feel when we don’t feel loved?

I have the opportunity to sit with people who are working hard to heal. There may be parts of themselves that are conflicted or tangled, or perhaps only buried and never known. I welcome and hold space with all the parts. I stay curious and compassionate. I give room for their autonomous self and join them in the discovery.

An amazing thing happens when we are seen, heard, understood, and felt. These attachment dynamics are so powerful that they have the ability to co-regulate us, calm our nervous system, and grow our stunted emotional parts back up.

It’s been said that being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable (David Augsburger).

So for us to love, it requires something of us. Simply stated, but not simply done, it takes work. Love asks us to be present, to hold space, to be safe enough to allow us to be known and, often, a response. We want to know we’ve been seen or understood. We want to know that what we’ve shared with others has resonated with them or impacted them enough that there can be a response. We’ve risked in sharing something of ourselves, so what will the other person do with what we shared with them?

Love alone, as a thought or a word, is not enough. To say “You are loved” is lacking the depth that is willing to engage to do the work of that connection. It keeps up a wall that doesn’t enter in. If we love someone, are we willing to back that up with our action? Are we willing to do the work it requires — to hear, to understand, to drop our defenses (when the relational space is safe enough to do so!) and to take steps toward someone or be responsive? It might mean having some intentional conversations that bring connection, depth, and understanding.

It's About Time

Have you ever been on a long journey and you wonder when it will ever end? Kind of like 2020, that just kept unfolding more and more layers of chaos, insanity, and uncertainty. 2020 was marked in history by a global pandemic, racial concerns, and political unrest. How often this year have we collectively felt no clear answers, harsh division, and such intense conflicting views?

In our humanity, we prefer consistency, clarity, stability, and steady footing. How do we collectively walk complexity, ambiguity, uncertainty and extended, ongoing distress? As a nation and most likely the world, we are weary. It’s been a lot to carry, and it is long.

Sometimes we wish for time to be different. That we could be further ahead on our journey, finish things sooner, and be somewhere we aren’t. Move past this, get it over with, and put it behind us.

Sometimes the healing journey is long. And long is really hard when it is painful, raw, and hurting. Lots of layers to sort through, making meaning, feeling our feelings, and bearing witness. It takes as long as it takes.

Authenticity: Finding Me.

Sometimes the snow globe spins up quite a storm, and you can’t see clearly until it settles. Our emotions are that way, and even more so when we are in relationship with others who also have their emotions, histories, and experiences. Our busyness can stir us up, or a trauma response, or feeling misunderstood or conflicted — all of these cause an internal storm that needs time to settle before we can land and find our feet again.

The last couple of weeks have been like that for me. So much happening, all of which required time for my heart and mind to process, reflect, and integrate. I had been taking further steps into my healing journey, all at the same time that life stirred up new opportunities to work on the layers.

We talk about healing trauma as being able to metabolize and take in all that has happened and how we’ve experienced it. We do that best little by little, because often it is happening too fast and too much at once for our nervous system to settle and for our narrative to be able to make meaning from it.

Finding a sense of home base, letting the snow globe and emotions settle, I can step back and find what I think and feel and what it means to me.