welcome

Coming Back to Home Base

Sometimes the path to connection, of coming back to yourself, is first noticing when you have needed space to breathe. We rush; we lose time; we put too much on our plate. We lose track of ourselves. Our self-care practices and rhythms get hard to maintain. And for whatever reason, it becomes clear, we know we have to step back.

Perhaps this change in season is a time for coming home.

We extend ourselves, we work hard, we give much. And then comes the need for coming back. For the long exhale, a slow and steady rhythm, a state of rest and recovery.

I hate disconnection…especially with myself. I am a nurturer. Relationships matter immensely to me. It is horribly painful when relationships are distant, broken, or unhealthy. I’ve learned, though, that the one relationship I will always have is with myself. If I’m not taking care of that, from what do I have to give?

Attachment language uses the concept of a secure home base. Knowing that you can always come home, to safety, to connection, to attunement. From that foundation, you learn that you can launch. It is the way we can become our best selves, to keep coming back.

Love is Not Enough

What is love? And how do you know when you feel loved? How injured do we feel when we don’t feel loved?

I have the opportunity to sit with people who are working hard to heal. There may be parts of themselves that are conflicted or tangled, or perhaps only buried and never known. I welcome and hold space with all the parts. I stay curious and compassionate. I give room for their autonomous self and join them in the discovery.

An amazing thing happens when we are seen, heard, understood, and felt. These attachment dynamics are so powerful that they have the ability to co-regulate us, calm our nervous system, and grow our stunted emotional parts back up.

It’s been said that being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable (David Augsburger).

So for us to love, it requires something of us. Simply stated, but not simply done, it takes work. Love asks us to be present, to hold space, to be safe enough to allow us to be known and, often, a response. We want to know we’ve been seen or understood. We want to know that what we’ve shared with others has resonated with them or impacted them enough that there can be a response. We’ve risked in sharing something of ourselves, so what will the other person do with what we shared with them?

Love alone, as a thought or a word, is not enough. To say “You are loved” is lacking the depth that is willing to engage to do the work of that connection. It keeps up a wall that doesn’t enter in. If we love someone, are we willing to back that up with our action? Are we willing to do the work it requires — to hear, to understand, to drop our defenses (when the relational space is safe enough to do so!) and to take steps toward someone or be responsive? It might mean having some intentional conversations that bring connection, depth, and understanding.

Welcome All the Parts

If we really want to know ourselves, how necessary it is to sit with all the layers of complexity, and to hold our reality with compassion. Big feelings of gratitude can also be felt with moments of fear and frailty. We can be both strong and raw, both determined and worn. It is okay to be where we are, while we also hold with intention a desire to move forward. We can view our lives and our growth as a process of ups, downs, challenges, and rest.

With mindfulness, we are more fully aware, and we welcome what is.

For some, there may be discouragement being hit with the waves of hard emotions. It may take extra practice to notice what else is happening, to not only reinforce the negative, to not spiral down with heaviness.

There’s something really significant about validating a person’s reality and whole experience. To welcome all the parts, all the feelings, no matter how conflicting or how confusing they may be. Not only are we needing to do this for others; we can learn to do this for ourselves.